The 1995 Musician Quiz

We ran a variation of this quiz in a 1995 issue. All the girls I met who had dated musicians had the same stories about how these guys lived, and a pattern developed.

You have seen every episode of “Ren & Stimpy.” +15
You have seen every episode of “Southpark.” +10
You can quote from memory the entire movie “Spinal Tap.” +5

You are in a committed relationship. +5
You were in a relationship, but she was committed. +10

You own a house. -5
You rent an apartment. +5
You rent a room in someone else’s apartment. +10
You never know whose sofa you’ll be sleeping on tonight. +15

You have gone to an all-night drug store to buy Kwell. +5

You are half deaf. +5

You have more than 500 records. +10
You play on half of them. +20

You have a futon mattress and you’ve been saving up for the frame for the past five years. +10

Your wardrobe is black, gray, black, and gray. +5
Your underwear is just gray. +10.
You don’t have any underwear. +15.

You play in another band. +5
You play in two other bands. +10
You’re John Leedes. +15. (The 1994 15 point answer was You’re Charlie Kilpatrick.)

You have lived in the Fan District. +5
You have lived in The Ritz. +10
You have lived in the Ellwood Sweat. +15
You have lived on the Spine. +20.

You never have a condom when you need one, but you always have a guitar pick. +5
You can make a girl come with a guitar pick. +10

The best time you ever had, you were drunk. +5
The best time you ever had, you were stoned. +5
The best time you ever had, you were drunk and stoned. +10
You don’t remember the best time you ever had, but people tell you it was great. +15

You have a full-time job that has nothing to do with music. -5
You have a part-time job that has nothing to do with music. +5
You work part-time as a bartender. +15
You work part-time as a restaurant cook. +20
You work part-time washing dishes. +25
Your girlfriend has a job. You play music. +30

You have more stereo equipment, amps and instruments than furniture +5
You have dishes, but you use them as ashtrays +10
You have an ashtray you use for a dish +15

You have never owned a car newer than 10 years old +5
You have never owned a car. +15
Your dream is to own a van. +5
You are living in a van. +20
You and your entire band are living in a van. +25

Your girlfriend has dated another guy in your band. +5
Your girlfriend has dated every guy in your band. +10
Your girlfriend is dating you only to get to another guy in your band. +15
You wouldn’t even have a girlfriend if you weren’t in a band. +20

To you, the major food groups are the Village, Joe’s, Third Street Diner, and Denny’s. +10

You can name every band you’ve played in and the set lists for each, but not the last five girls you dated. +5

Your wife/girlfriend has never been with you on New Year’s Eve because you’ve always been working. +10

Bonus points:

You have worked at more than 20 Richmond restaurants. +20
Your bar tab is more than you made playing. +15
Your girlfriend's bar tab is more than you made playing. +20

175-200 points: You are a real Richmond musician!
75-170 points: You’re a musician.
0-70 points: You’re not a musician. Why did you even take this test?